Raw

I’m sick.

I have had a nasty bout of indigestion that has made life…uncomfortable.

But that’s not why I’m sick.

I am sick of being disconnected. I’m sick of not being heard. I’m sick of being unimportant. I’m sick of being a joke. I’m sick of listening to everyone’s troubles but having nowhere to turn with mine. I’m just sick.

It is important in life that we find a connection with other people. We are all one body and we have to depend on one another to build ourselves up. But I don’t want to have someone who just sits by and listens politely as I dump on them. I want to find someone who has a passion for the things I am passionate about. I want to find someone who will drink hot cocoa and cry big crocodile tears with me was we share our hopes, fears and shortcomings. I want to find someone who won’t judge me or laugh at me for who I am and what I think.

Long gone are the days of straight A’s and Honor Society. Now I am just a woman who struggles every day to hold it together. I try desperately to get through my day without screaming at my kids or fighting with my husband. I try desperately to keep my house clean and my health good. I try desperately to finish projects that are stacked up all over before I become buried underneath them. And yet I fail. We all do.

But when I fail I have nowhere to turn. I pour my heart out to God because I know he listens, but I so long for someone to just be my friend. Someone who doesn’t mind drinking out of cow print mugs. Someone who genuinely cares about the revelations I have had or the deep struggles I face. Someone who has suggestions, but doesn’t know it all either. I want to be able to serve them with love and return for the love they give me.

When did I stop being someone worth hearing? When did my ideas become second rate? Why have I suddenly become someone who doesn’t need support in life? When is it my turn to catch a break, to have fun, to feel loved?

I try to tell my husband how much I need someone, but he is a man and I am convinced men need nothing in life but a full tummy and a nice comfy place to sleep. He doesn’t understand. He just writes it off as some phase and figures I will get over it. But I have always enjoyed having close friends and good company. This place of being alone is not a place I know. I am not one to be independent and floating around on the island of Me. I like to work together as a team.

I have people in my life that I can relate to in different ways. They may understand this about me or that about me. But I don’t have that one special someone where you can just pour out your heart and they completely understand. That someone who has a fire in their eyes when you bring up something you are both so passionate about. That someone who feels comfortable pouring out to you as well. That someone who knows just the right scripture or prays just the right words when you need them instead of handing out mere sympathy or pity. That someone who appreciates everything you do for them and is genuinely grateful just to have you as their friend.

I wonder, is that someone even out there? Do they even exist? Or am I just a hopeful romantic living in a world of imagination. If there is someone, please God bring them to me, bring them soon.