All my life growing up I have had a big empty space inside my heart. Although I had a relationship with Jesus, I didn't know how to dig deeper to fill my heart with his love. Instead I filled it with dating relationships and addiction. I pursued good feeling after good feeling so I would never have to feel the pain and emptiness. When I got married, I seared off that part of my heart and gave it fully to my husband. I ignored any hurt and pain, determined to be faithful and righteous before God.
However, this has once again opened that part of my heart I seared off. The part that feels lonely and is starved for love and affection. That part has once again turned outward, seeking approval and love from men and not from God alone. The aching I feel inside is a horrible sick feeling, one that nothing will stifle. I used to cover up the pain and cope with it through relationships, addiction, and denial. None of those are an option now. I will have to allow God to deal with it, to once and for all sacrifice my loneliness and pain before him and let him fill the space. It is a scary place to be in but I have no other option. I will not return to addiction, and I will not compromise my devotion to my husband, even though he has compromised in return. My only option is to bow my knee at the throne and trust God.