Sunday, September 30, 2012

Trusting God

All my life growing up I have had a big empty space inside my heart. Although I had a relationship  with Jesus, I didn't know how to dig deeper to fill my heart with his love. Instead I filled it with dating relationships and addiction. I pursued good feeling after good feeling so I would never have to feel the pain and emptiness. When I got married, I seared off that part of my heart and gave it fully to my husband. I ignored any hurt and pain, determined to be faithful and righteous before God. 

When my husband was unfaithful to me, my heart became cold and calloused to protect myself from how much it hurt. I depended on the Lord, but I didnt listen for his voice, I wasn't drawn in close to him, and I didn't seek him in order to fill me up. When I found he has decided to continue to compromise his purity, I realized my husband was never going to be faithful to me. He will always hurt me and let me down. I can't depend on him to fill my heart and complete me like I had hoped for. I expected him to fill the emptiness and I was told that my expectations were right. They weren't.

Out of fear that the pain would consume me, I sought out an answer for my anger. The answer was Jesus. I was to use my life as a living sacrifice for him, and allow him to begin to soften my heart and walk in close relationship once again. As I have been pursuing a relationship with God, my heart has once again begun to shed its icy cloak. I am feeling more deeply and he is changing me.

However, this has once again opened that part of my heart I seared off. The part that feels lonely and is starved for love and affection. That part has once again turned outward, seeking approval and love from men and not from God alone. The aching I feel inside is a horrible sick feeling, one that nothing will stifle. I used to cover up the pain and cope with it through relationships, addiction, and denial. None of those are an option now. I will have to allow God to deal with it, to once and for all sacrifice my loneliness and pain before him and let him fill the space. It is a scary place to be in but I have no other option. I will not return to addiction, and I will not compromise my devotion to my husband, even though he has compromised in return. My only option is to bow my knee at the throne and trust God.