The Realm of Acceptance

I have finally realized where my struggle lies. It is not in a place of misunderstanding where I need to find a magical key that will answer all my questions and solve all my problems. It is in the realm of "acceptance."

I kept trying to find my place in my walk with Christ, my place as a mother, my place as a wife, my place as a person, and I just kept getting lost and increasingly more frustrated. Well I have realized that my place is RIGHT HERE, where I am right at this very minute. The trouble lies in accepting the here and now as just right.

I have been pushing and pushing to become something else. I have to hurry up and fix all my issues so I can be a good mom, so I can be a minister, so I can finally BE who God made me to be. Thing is, I already am!

I yell way too much, I struggle with staying organized, I get overwhelmed easily, I like to sleep in and stay up late, I battle perfectionism, I like to always be right, I use my computer way more than I have time to, I cannot sew a straight line, I hate putting away laundry, dishes, and paperwork, I don't read my Bible or pray enough, I get cranky easily, I always compare myself unfavorably with other mothers, and much much more. But that is all ok! That is me. I may always yell too much, I may always sew crooked, but God knew! It's not that I need to learn who I am in Christ and force myself to fit into this mental mold of who I should be, it's that I just need to ACCEPT where I am at. once I can accept me, then God can work with me.

This is the conversation that often takes place between me and God...

Oh Lord I wish I could be that gentle with my kids as that mom is...

But you are not her, you are you, I made you differently.

Oh I know Lord, but I don't like that about me and I know you don't like it either, I need to work on that.

But sweet child, I love YOU for who you are, you don't need to do anything.

Oh but God if I do his and this or maybe that or look at this or learn that, THEN I will be like her and you will be happy.

But I am happy! I am pleased with who I made you to be.

Yeah but I know I can be better. I'll work on this and get back to you. I can't wait to see how proud you will be!

I AM proud! You don't need to change a thing!

Well I am glad I figured this out, thanks for your help!

But.....*sigh*

That's about how everything goes when it comes to God. I want to act like this one or minister like that one or have kids like that ones kids, but that is not His intention for me! His intention is for me to be exactly who I am now and to accept that fully. I wanted to study Philippians to learn all about joy and being content, and I know now acceptance is contentment! Many people look at that scripture in a sense of material things, but I see it now in a deeper sense, a contentment with who I am as a person and where I am at right now.

I understand that time is short. I understand that my kids need stability and consistency and love and support. I understand people are dying and going to hell and need ministry. But I need to accept I CANNOT DO IT ALL! Right now I am being held back from ministry, and that is fine. I cannot carry the guilt of the entire planets salvation and discipleship. It is in Gods hands. I am only responsible to do what he calls me to do right this second, even if that is praying with my five year old or smiling at a cashier or blessing someone by meeting one of their needs. I don't need to hurry up and rush my life and rush my kids growing up so I can get out there and do "real" ministry. I need to just be in tune with God and be content with where I am at right now.

My life is one step at a time, not one jet ride going Mach 20 at a time. I have to accept right where I am at right this moment and only look to take the next tiny step forward, instead of forcing myself to become someone else so I will finally measure up and be acceptable. I am already accepted. Even if I never grow another millimeter spiritually, God still accepts me! Even if I am a "yeller" forever, God sill accepts me. Even if I never sew straight, God still accepts me. He knew all my faults when he created me and he still loves me and found me worth dying for.

I honestly believe my journey to find myself is finally over. I started this blog nearly three years at trying to find me, and I have, I was here all along! The next step is to look hard in that mirror, smile, and give myself a big hug and say to myself, "I love you, you are truly beautifully and wonderfully made."

It's as if I have lived my entire life wishing I could be a bird. I am constantly telling God "but Lord I can't fly, only if I could fly then everything would be right!" and God sees that I don't have wings and never will have wings and it's ridiculous for me to spend all my time and energy trying to figure out how to fly when I will never be a bird! There are things he really wants to work with me on, but he can't because I am obsessed with changing things that cannot be changed and are just ridiculous to the Lord. I think they are faults and shortcomings when it is just not my make up as a person! Once I accept that I am a person and not a bird, then God will finally be able to say, "finally! You are where I have been waiting for you all along. Let's walk this way and see what things I can do."

I am laying down my dreams, laying down all the ministry and work I have done in my own strength. I am laying down all the people I wish I was. I am laying down everything I think is wrong with me. I am laying done everything I think I want to become. I am only then reaching out my empty hands and taking Gods hand in mine. Then I can allow him to lead me to where he wants me to go and make the changes he sees necessary in his way and his time.

Until then, here I am, and I am wonderful, just as I am.