Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

Today has not been a good day.

I found myself sick and tired of my life. I am sick of my house being a disaster because there are five of us crammed in our trailer. I am sick of not having enough money to buy batteries for my baby's swing. I am sick and tired of having to live on food stamps, of struggling to survive every month. Im sick of knowing that a lot of people my age are so much better off financially and have such higher quality of life.

I wondered, I am a smart, beautiful, talented young woman, when did I become such a loser?

I turned on the computer to type out my frustrations but when I turned it on, my husband had left open a window from this morning. He was reading an article on CNN. It was all about the children starving in Somalia. I read the article and watched the video and just sat here crying.

How dare I sit here in self pity and whine about my circumstances. How dare I compare myself to my American peers and be so depressed. My peers in Africa have to hold their babies and watch them starve to death, and there is nothing they can do.

I get so frustrated when my kids ask for a snack or cry and I have to stop what I am doing to deal with them "hassling" me. When things don't go my way and I am not feeling great (I have been sick for a few days) I yell at them and put them down.

But to hold them and watch them die and know there is nothing I can do? I can't bear to imagine it.

Needless to say I am out of my pouty fit. I am so blessed to have a trailer to live in, to have food on my table, to be able to feed and clothe my kids. Those poor mommies cuddling their dying lifeless babies in despair while I sit here typing about their sad situation ON MY COMPUTER!!!

What they wouldn't give to be me for even a day. To spend hours playing in the garden hose with my kids. To snuggle on the couch and watch a movie eating popcorn. To have three meals a day plus snacks. To nurse a healthy baby. To have a happy healthy home. To be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. To have a great doctor and access to whatever my kids need to battle disease. To go school shopping for new clothes at my leisure. To have eternal security in Christ so even if this life IS bad, I face a wonderful future with my Savior.

And I take it all fore granted because I feel like a "loser" compared to other Americans.

How twisted and sickening the whole prospect of it all is.

I am humbled, and my priorities are officially readjusted.

Thank you Jesus, I needed that.


joanne said...

Just want to put it simply "I am proud of all you have accomplished and overcome!"
yes, you are blessed, but never lose sight of how much of a blessing your are as well.
Love you, little girl.